So yeah, I gained a lot of weight. Last week I weighed in at 69 kg, which is my start weight when I started my public weight loss journey on Youtube a few years ago. So guess who’s back, back again. Grab a seat, tell a friend. Cos I’m spilling the beans today. I’m fat and this time I chose to be, which sounds really weird but let me explain. I figured out why I’ve been able to keep of the weight for long periods of time, only to gain it all back during certain periods. I never realized it before and although I can’t speak for anyone else, I think more people have this problem.
And you might not realize it either, so here it is: I’ve been depressed, and depression can come with loss of appetite and with major cravings. Which means you can lose or gain a significant amount of weight. I didn’t know I was depressed until last February when I went to the psychologist to deal with the loss of my dog. I thought I was mourning deeply, and I wanted to learn how to deal with that in a healthy way. Because I find mental health important, just like physical health. I’m always open about learning how my brain works and how to use it to my advantage.
In this article and the video, I will do the same because it might help you or someone else out. Also, working on your mental health should be normal for everyone. That’s why I’m sharing it because honestly, why not? So, here I was thinking I was mourning the loss of my dog. When my psychologist said: ‘You are also depressed, and I think you’ve been depressed for at least a year.’ Mind fucking blown! I literally didn’t know what to say, because I don’t see myself as that depressed person. I’m not depressed, what are you talking about?
But it’s true I was very depressed, but I didn’t connect the dots. I thought I was stressed and mourning my dog. That’s all, no biggie! I can handle that. Well yeah, no. My psychologist had to explain me that I didn’t notice my depression because I’m always working. Most people think that depression means you lay in bed all day. That is a form of depression, but it can also look like working as much as possible. Because you know that once you finally take a break, YOU can break. I have to be honest, that’s exactly what was happening to me.
Thus, I never noticed I was depressed because I was and still am functioning on a high-performance level. Now that I know what depression looks and feels like to me, I know why I’ve been gaining or lost weight during certain times in my life. I’ve always gained weighed when I was depressed, but I didn’t know I was depressed. I chalked it up to my self-control, not being to cope with stress, not being disciplined enough, not working out enough or not eating healthy enough. I ended up working out more and more. Doing well for a few weeks only to feel depressed, not knowing that and eating myself fat again.
That’s how I ended up in this vicious cycle of being happy and having a healthy weight. To getting depressed, not knowing it and gaining back the weight. Apparently depressed people can get very hungry and have crazy cravings. Mainly because carbs make you feel better, something to do with science and using food as (a bad) coping mechanism. When I feel good, I don’t even think about food. I have a very balanced diet and I don’t stress about my food intake. I work out three times a week and I enjoy it. It’s all good in the hood when I’m not depressed or worried about things in my private life.
Which means I do have self-control, I am disciplined, I know how to eat healthy, when to work out and how to deal with stress. The stupid thing is that I only started realizing this the last few weeks. All these years I’ve been putting my weight gain on myself, I’ve been blaming myself. Which obviously pushed me further into my depression and made me eat even more. If you recognize this behavior, you might have some mental roadblocks too. I’m not diagnosing you here, that’s not my job. But if you do suspect you might have a similar situation after reading this article: Call your doctor now.
You see, it took me ten years to realize all of this. My weight gain and weight loss journey started when I was twenty-one. What I thought was a cute way of consoling myself after a hard day, was a really bad coping mechanism for depression. Because if I’m really honest, I now know I’ve been depressed two or three times before. And all I did was blame myself which only made it worse. If exercising doesn’t work and if dieting doesn’t work, something else might be going on. And you deserve to know what that is.
Take action today if you suspect something else is going on. You really, really deserve to know that you’re not a bad functioning person. And you should know that if your weight gain is due to a mental roadblock, you can fix it with some help. I did, and I feel so good right now! Because I’ve been working on understanding how and why I got depressed. I know how to deal with the source of my depression now, and I won’t get depressed again anytime soon. However, I am fat right now and I’m a little sad about it.
I’m sad because it’s summer and I bought these amazing summer clothes I don’t fit in right now. I’m also a little sad because I don’t feel like myself in my own body. Being this heavy feels uncomfortable to me, and I dislike how my body feels right now. However, this time I chose to be fat for a while. I wanted to get out of this vicious cycle of constantly thinking it’s my fault. That I’m simple not working hard enough to be at a weight that feels comfortable to me.
I was attacking myself for years, but I’m finally dealing with the real source of my weight gain: Depression and being condition by society to think I’m not working hard enough. I was heavily influenced by teachers and my former managers who taught me that if something wasn’t done right, it was my fault. I should have worked harder, better and faster. I should have done everything in my power to make sure that the tasks they gave me, were done right in their opinion. Without realizing I took that way of thinking and started using it as my own. Every time I gained weight, I worked harder, better and faster to get it off.
Obviously working harder than anyone else doesn’t work if you don’t fix the problems underneath. I have to thank my mom, my dad and my sister for showing me that this is not the way. I know I’m not the only thirty-something that has been taught to pretty much work yourself to death by the older generation. People my age and younger are condition to think that you only get to feel happy and successful if you work yourself to death. And if you want to cry, go outside or suck it up. There’s no space for being yourself or feeling your emotions.
No wonder why some many people of my generation and the upcoming ones are so depressed. We are all taught that nothing we do is never good enough. Which is why I’ve decided to stop doing that. I decided to take the time to work on my mental health, which is why I feel very, very good right now. I am super relaxed, and I finally feel like myself again. I decided not to worry about my weight during my new mental health journey, and it has worked out for me. I’m no longer trying to work harder, faster and better because society taught me that.
Fuck that. I’m taking my sweet time to feel better and it’s working. I haven’t been pushing myself to eat a certain way, to work out as much as possible or to lose the weight now. Instead I’ve been eating whatever I want, while only doing a few squats or short workouts when I feel like it. I am doing intermittent fasting and Keto when my body feels up for it. The result is losing 1,5 kg in eight days and feeling better than ever. I’m stating the obvious, I’m fat but I won’t be forever. This time I’m doing it my way, so I can have a healthy weight for a long period of time. Because I now know how to get there without feeling depressed.
I hope this article helps you figure things out for yourself if you’ve been dealing with similar issues. Please don’t feel bad about feeling bad. It’s a normal thing and you can learn how to deal with it. You deserve to know how your brain works, how you can use that to your advantage and be happy. Gaining weight is often a gnarly side effect of being unhappy for a reason. Be brave, be responsible and figure out what that reason is. You will thank yourself later when you feel great, like I do know. The weight loss will follow and it will be easier than ever!
Love you lots,
Kaya-Quintana
P.S. Subscribe to my newsletter for more fitness and food tips.
